Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Second Burning
A few years a go I made a video on my Youtube channel called "The Burning". I represented me burning some old skeletons in my closet so that I could move on and progress in life. I had been challenged a few months previous to get rid of my skinny b(r)itches that I was killing myself to try to fit into. Literally I was dying inside, and my physically body wasn't doing to hot either. There was more than one occasion that I knew that my electrolyte balance was so off from severe restricting and purging behavior that my heart rate was irratic, slow, and I knew I was on the verge of this game of balance between a robotic life with my ED, and death.
I burned those damn jeans, and it wasn't all a cakewalk in recovery after that. In fact that is probably when it really got tough, because I really committed to recovery, and that meant really facing issues. At that point in my life I was just about to run my second marathon. I had run my first marathon a few months earlier. My first marathon I was severely eating disordered, and believe it or not it was a healthy thing for me to do. It was one of the things that made me not rebel against everyone who wanted me to eat. I had to start eating to support my activity level.
About 5 weeks after the burning, I ran my first ultramarathon: The Ogden Valley 50. That ultramarathon solidified my commitment to recover, because I signed up for it on a whim 4 weeks before the event. I realized as I was training for it that I had bitten off a huge task and I had never trained for more than a marathon! I had to challenge my negative self-talk, and the lies my ED told me in order to succeed at running 50 miles. I had to think a lot of positive things about myself! I started to rescript my internal chatterbox out of necessity to survive a 50 mile race. As a result, it also slowly started to rescript my life.
I had not intended on ever becoming a social worker. I thought I was a midwife, and that was the end of my professional usefuless. I went back to school that same fall because I was planning on becoming a CNM or a nurse practitioner. I was intent on this and I took organic chemistry, nutrition, and other classes that nursing schools would make me take because they would not recognize my midwifery degree. I wish I would have had a shed hit me the first year, because I would have avoided a lot of classes that I didn't need, but my last year at UVU I had this strong push from somewhere to apply for social work. I actually was angry because I did not want to become a social worker, I did not want to ever be called a therapist! I had one therapist as a teen that was really full of shit, and unethical, and screwed up a lot of things for me for many years, even though I only physically did therapy with him for 15 months! Nutcase!!!!
Anyway, I worked through a lot of anger even after starting at the CSW at the U, but now I can see that I probably would not have been happy in nursing. I have had a lot of amazing experiences and met some pretty amazing people! And now I am starting a treatment business for eating disorders. I will share more details as we incorporate, but the cool thing is, I will have the necessary supervision to practice within my own company, after I graduate from the U next spring. I will be working under someone because of the legal requirements with licensure, but it is a company that I am actively taking a roll the the foundation. So that is exciting too me!
We have a unique approach and philosophy of treatment that is out-of-the box, and more empowering to the person than a lot of treatment facilities I am aware of. I believe it will benefit many people, and I think I am creating something that I needed when I was sick, but had to kind of create in my own little treatment world because it was not there. I made it happen to some level for myself, in an unofficial way, and I got better. This will be an official way for others who aren't enthralled with some of the less empowered models of treatment to experience something totally different and positive!
I will have more details to come. But I did a second burning last night! This one was more practical, but just as powerful. I have a lot of big plans with this business, and so I am trying to set up a very organized system from the start. In order to do this, I have a lot of old stuff I need to finally get organized as well. It is a huge project, and I am creating a very OCD system for this new business in hopes that all the micro-management now will lead to the future running smoothly, successfully, and with less head-ache! I cleaned out a lot of old paparwork from my garage and "office" and burned for 4 hours straight. I don't have a decent shreder and so I burned. Now I have a lot more to recycle and garbage, and send to DI, but it was a lot of stuff! I also spent a few more hours working on labeling folders and figuring out how to match everything with all the people involved so it is an identical system. It is based off of the E-Myth book, that you create your business like a franchise. This means everyone has the same books, that look the same, and the system is 100% identical so that anyone down to the person flipping the burger can figure out how to run the business.
It is quite a process! But it was also cathartic to burn a lot of that old paperwork, and to realize how far I have come. A few years ago I was struggling just to live, now I am creating something that is full of life, and helping others to live. I could have never have seen myself here when I burnt those jeans. Then, I was only able to see 1 day at a time. I was only able to commit to trying everyday and then deciding if it was worth the fight when I woke up the next morning and tried again!
My Friend Becky McInnis taking a stab at the "Ana-Devil"! And Jeff helping me tie up "Binge-Bertha", "Mia-Wraith", and "Swen" the clothes gnome to the stake to be burned! We then roasted marshmallows and kabobs over their ashes, and then had a nice "Blessingway" (Navajo tradition) with 7 of my closest friends. Friends are important in recovery!
Posted by Killtherun at 8:46 AM