I am dead tired! I should be in bed, but I have too much work to do. I am panicking over how this month is going to work. 4 people due in the next 3 weeks, research to catch up on, programing and marketing material to get done, and I am hoping for a good time at Squaw Peak next weekend. The only problem is,,,,, THERE IS SNOW HALF WAY DOWN THE MOUNTAIN!!!! I don't care what some people think about people who use poles on courses! I am using poles from Little Valley to Big Springs! Seriously, Bozung hill is going to be like downhill skiing up a technical run! I am trying not to think about it. I am just going to move fast, and if I puke, I will puke up the hill and keep moving fast! I am determined to make under 14 hours this year! I want to do it so I am more confident about my ability to finish Wasatch and Bear this year! I don't want to be a wanna-be cool ultrarunner! I want to be a 100-mile respectible time, finisher.
I am working my ass off. I am training privately 2-times per week, going to boxing classes as much as I can during the week. This helps my speed in running believe it or not! I am upping my milage.
But this week I am frustrated, because I have too much to do. And have these clients who can't decide if they are in labor or not. It is not her fault, she is probably more frustrated. I am not the pregnant one! But man, I have so much to do, I am afraid of not being able to get it all done. It is causing me major anxiety issues this week.
I made an appointment to see Dr. Elizabeth Joy yesterday, I can't get in until June 30th because she is out of town, but she specializes in sports medicine and eating disorders. Even though I have been behavior free for a while, I still have some digestive issues from a long-term eating disorder. So I am going to go see if she can offer me any tips on increasing my performance level, gut absorption, and correct some energy issues as well.
If I would have been directed to Dr. Joy and Elena when I was really disordered, I might not have as many problems now! I am a bit resentful at not being told there were these resources when I was struggling a lot, when I had even asked about them! My first dietitian was a bitch, seriously. She hated that I ran, and told me that yoga was the only acceptable form of exercise for people recovering from eating disorders. Now I am as recovered I think as I could be, even though I think I will probably always fight the eating disordered thoughts when my anxiety level is high, but I am recovered enough to ingore them, I do not identify myself with an eating disorder, and i have better things in my life that make it not worth wasting time listening to ED thoughts. For me this is the definition of recovered. It does not mean I am totally free from the long term psychological effects and physical effects that may linger, but it does mean I don't have a lot to "gain" from wasting time on an eating disorder. Running is more important to me, and I respect and appreciate my bodies ability to run. So I want to take care of it the best I can, and not do further damage to my bones, GI tract, stomach, and other organs. It already causes me to have more problems with energy, and having to be much more careful then most people around me to be particular on getting a high amount of calories, sodium, and carbs, at closer intervals, then I think I would other wise have. So this is why I am going to see Dr. Joy.
I wish I could see her before Squaw Peak, but Elena has been working with me more specifically on nutrition planning for specific courses. This is very helpful! It also reinforces the value of nutrition and taking care of my body in my head, and reinforces staying recovered.
One thing I noticed about the word recovered, is that people are sometimes too black and white with it. I have gone back and forth myself on whether I should say recovered, or in recovery. But lately, I have decided to say recovered, because I have so many things in my life that detour me from wanting to give in to ED thoughts or "cravings" that I can't really imagine going back to that life. Even if I were to have a slip-up at this point, I am open and honest enough with myself and others, that I really doubt I could be in a place to support myself having an eating disorder. So now, I say recovered, but I am still cautious about my thoughts, especially when my anxiety flares up, and I start panicking about everything in my head.
I really wish Oprah would focus on this shit, instead of people inside of their illness! Oprah, you suck!